Integrity matters in leadership, having an integrated body, mind, and spirit.  There's congruency.  Your actions match your words, which reflects who you truly are.  

Saying one thing and doing another is not integrity.  Having the same set of operating instructions, the same code of ethics, rules, and guidelines no matter where you are or what you are doing is about being in integrity.  Having one set of rules for you and another set for everyone else is not. 

A brilliant test for integrity is The Foxhole Test:  Would I want to be in a foxhole with you?  It's all about trust, trusting someone to have your back. How well do you fair with this test?

Integrity is about taking responsibility for our actions as they happen, no matter if anyone is looking or not, not waiting to get caught.  It's about minimizing the fallout of our mistakes, being proactive and learning from what we've done so we don't repeat them.

Our people will respect us; we will gain their loyalty and trust if we promptly admit to doing something wrong and accept responsibility for the consequences of our action, role modeling what we want to see in them.

It's not about being right or wrong.  It's about being honest and accountable.  It's about telling our people what they need to hear with tact and kindness, not necessarily what they want to hear.

We, all of us, have an amazing capacity to come together in times of economic crisis and personal loss.  We can handle the truth, especially when our leaders instill hope and walk along side of us each step of the way.   An amazing example is Winston Churchill.  The first thing Churchill did as prime minister was to instill hope in the people of England!

When our people, our teams, divisions, colleagues, staff, know that we care about them, they feel safe, secure, and protected.  We set the tone and direction of those ones under your charge.  Being in integrity, being honest and forthright lays the foundation for a culture that values the same. 

It's not magic.  People follow you as the leader.   Take the privilege of being a leader to heart; watch the pulse of your integrity, keep holding the bar high, and continue to lead by example.

Let’s begin with some basics.

Your people (team or division members, staff, associates etc.) must trust each other and you to be effective and successful.  High performing teams have one thing in common: psychological safety, the belief that you won’t be punished for making a mistake.

When people feel psychologically safe, they will take risks, speak their mind, are creative and stick their neck out because they trust it won’t be cut off. These are the types of behaviors that lead to market breakthroughs.

Because of our innate fight-or-flight response to survival, people respond negatively, contract and defend in uncertain, interdependent environments. Our brains process provocation by a boss, competitiveness by a co-worker or dismissiveness by a subordinate as a life-or-death threat. An alarm bell goes off in our brains and it literally shuts down. Fight-or-flight response handicaps the strategic, creative, innovative thinking needed in today’s workplace.

People need to feel and experience positive emotions in order to succeed.   Positive emotions like trust, curiosity, confidence, and inspiration help us to solve complex problems and foster cooperative relationships. We are more open and expansive, calm, and centered; we are more resilient, motivated, inspired, persistent and self-determining when we feel safe. Humor, solution-finding and divergent, creative thinking increases with trust that we are protected and cared for, that we are valued and nurtured to be and do our best.

When the workplace feels challenging but not threatening, teams succeed where others have failed. Oxytocin levels in our brains rise, which instills feelings of joy and contentment that are enduring and long lasting.

In a fast-paced, highly demanding environment, success hinges on people’s ability to take risks and be vulnerable in front of their peers. This has been documented and shared by Google (see What Makes a Stellar Team . . . what this means to you)

We can duplicate Google’s success and increase psychological safety on our own team(s) by implementing common-sense fundamentals of business management or positive human relations. 

#1 Approach conflict as a collaborator, not an adversary.

Most people hate to lose. If they feel threatened with a loss of power, prestige, money, or security, they become competitive, critical and defensive.  True success is a win-win outcome, where everyone works together in the spirit of mutual support and cooperation.  Keep it simple. Ask, “How can we achieve a mutually desirable outcome?” Then, listen, listen, and keep listening.

#2 Speak human to human.

Meet people’s universal needs. Be genuinely curious.  Show people consideration and respect. Honor their strengths, gifts, abilities, and areas of expertise. Allow them to experience a sense of autonomy.  Recognizing and meeting these deep human needs elicits trust and promotes positive conversations and interactions.  Remind your teammates and colleagues that even in the most contentious negotiations, everyone wants to walk away feeling heard, understood, and happy.

Engage in group facilitations with guided one-on-one interactions between people of differing views. Engage in group-bonding discussions where sameness is reinforced and experienced on a deeper emotional level.  Create a “Just Like Me” experiences where everyone involved to come to a deeper knowing that:

This person has beliefs, perspectives, and opinions, just like me.

This person has hopes, anxieties, and vulnerabilities, just like me.

This person has friends, family, and perhaps children who love them, just like me.

This person wants to feel respected, appreciated, and competent, just like me.

This person wishes for peace, joy, and happiness, just like me.

#3 Anticipate reactions and plan countermoves.

Consider in advance how your audience will react to your message. This helps to ensure people will hear what you say as an invitation to work together and not as a personal attack regarding the quality of their work.  Prepare in advance. Gather concrete evidence to counter defensiveness when discussing hot-button issues. Consider the possible objections to the direction or position you are advocating, and how you would respond to those objections.

   Pretend that you are on the outside looking in and consider the weaknesses in your position, and ask yourself:

What are the main points I’d like to raise?

What are three ways listeners could respond?

How could I respond to each of these scenarios?

#4 Replace blame with curiosity.

Blame and criticism only escalate conflict. People become defensive and disengage. If your team members, division, or colleagues close off and are not fully present, reaching mutually advantageous decisions is not possible.

Choose to have a learner’s mind, one that is open to all possibilities and is willing to learn. If you know that you are right, there is no possibility for learning and growth. Acknowledge that you don’t have all the facts and that any solution that serves the highest good of what you and everyone else wants to accomplish is a win-win.

Having a learner’s mind is a learned behavior and tasks persistence, determination, and practice.

Here’s an example of how to confront problematic behavior in a new way, by stating the problem or what you have been observing in factual, neutral language.  “During the past two months, there’s been a noticeable drop in participation during meetings and progress appears to be slowing on your project.”

Engage everyone in an exploration

     “I imagine there are multiple factors at play. Perhaps we could uncover what they are together? How does that sound?”

Ask for solutions using open-ended questions stating with ‘what’ and ‘how’.

My experience as a coach has shown me over and over again that the people who have created problems hold the keys to solving those problems; and, that when they come up with their own workable solutions, there is a much greater probability for buy in and follow through.

Since a positive outcome depends on your people’s input and buy-in, ask them direct and open questions like:

“What do you think needs to happen here?”

“What would be your ideal scenario?”

“How could I support you?”

#5 Ask for feedback on delivery.

Asking for feedback on how you delivered your message is a wonderful way to harmonize difficult conversations. It disarms animosity and dissension, and allows for open engagement and helps you to be a better leader.

Your blind spots in communicating and relations are exposed so you can do a better job next time. Don’t take comments personally. Welcome them with gratitude and respect and thank each participant who shares with genuine humility.

This models fallibility. You are a living example of not being perfect (which, of course, applies to everyone) and being okay to make mistakes, own them and learn from the experience, and this makes you more trustworthy in the eyes of others.

Here are some sample questions that you can ask:

“What worked and what didn’t work in my delivery?”

“How did it feel to hear this message?”

“How could I have presented it more effectively?”       

When we have difficult conversations using this collaborative format, when we drop being superior or inferior, when we are respectfully humble and vulnerable and open to all possibilities to resolve a problem that benefits us all, magic happens. It’s about presenting reasonable evidence so that the recipients of your message want to hear more. It’s about being eager to discuss challenges so that solutions are possible.

#6 Measure psychological safety.

Don’t guess or assume, ask.  Periodically ask your people how safe they feel and what you can do to enhance their feelings of safety. Routinely take anonymous surveys on psychological safety and other team dynamics.

Ask questions like:

“How confident are you that you won’t receive retaliation or criticism if you admit an error or make a mistake?”

“On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being the lowest and 10 being the highest:

How easy is it to discuss difficult issues or problem?

How easy is it to ask other team members for help?

How easy is it to offer suggestions or solutions to problems, issues, or concerns?

How well is your input received?

How valued or respected do you feel for you contributions?

How much do you feel accepted and a part of the team?”

What needs to change to improve this situation? What’s one positive step that could be take or implemented now?

Wrapping it Up.

If you create this sense of psychological safety, you can expect to see higher levels of engagement, increased motivation to tackle difficult problems, more learning and development opportunities, and better performance.

People who feel respected, heard and understood, people who feel that their input counts and can make a real difference, people who feel valued and not judged, people who are not afraid to make mistakes, discuss them and collaborate with others to resolve, rectify or fix the problem, can help you increase workplace harmony, productivity and prosperity; and, this creates a cultural climate that draws the best and brightest who fit who you are and what you do to your organization.

The most successful people of all ages have viewed mistakes as opportunities to learn and grow. They have been industrious, genuinely curious and grateful to stand on the shoulders of those who have gone before them.

This is not about encouraging sloppy work, slovenly behavior, or a lackadaisical attitude. It’s about creating a work environment or community that is supportive, nurturing and encourages creativity, innovation, productivity, and positive growth.

Would you like to upgrade your leadership style to more real, effective, and authentic?

First, don't pretend to be anyone else.  Be yourself and embody the qualities that resonate with you, like compassion, clarity and calm assurance, and work with these three vital keys to your success.

Key #1: Look to leaders that you admire.

Find leaders that you admire and ponder:

• What traits do they have?
• How do they interact with a team and work under pressure?
• What about them engenders the respect and admiration of others?

What you are doing is standing on the shoulders of leaders who have walked before you, leaders that you would like to be more like with your own unique flair.

Ideally, find a mentor.  Ask a leader that you admire, someone in your field of expertise. to help you become the leader you aspire to be, especially now that you are clear about the qualities you are choosing to embody.  And, as you look around and find a leader to guide you, remember that the leadership skills that you most admire in others are already inside of you, otherwise, you would not recognize them!

What you are doing is gaining the confidence to apply those skills.  So, be humble. Be in learning mode, open to all possibilities and open to constructive feedback.  Apply what you learn, what is shared with you in your day-to-day life. Make it real on the ground.

Having a mentor (or even two) can be a game changer; so, summon the courage within and ask for guidance.

Key #2: Stop putting yourself first.

Leadership is about service, inspiring others to do and be their best.  So, while you take care of yourself, develop and nurture yourself as a leader, share the best of yourself with others - especially those under your guidance and care.

Pay attention and review at the end of every day how you are doing. Ask yourself, “Am I inspiring the people around me to dream, learn, do and be more?”  If not, what are you going to do differently? And even if the answer is ‘yes’, there is always a better way.   So, ask yourself, “How could I do things differently? How can I improve?”

Winston Churchill and Adolf Hitler were two great leaders, one for the good of humanity and the other not, and they had very different leadership styles.  Anyone who spent time with Churchill felt that they could do anything.  Anyone who spent time with Hitler, felt that he could do anything. 

A great leader, which is what we are or are aspiring to be, inspires and instills hope.  And, leadership is a balancing act, knowing when to listen and support and when to act and require action.  As a leader, you are often the deciding voice, the decision maker. Instead of focusing on your authority, focus on being of service.  Focus on serving not only your clients and customers, but the people that work under your command, the people you owe a duty of care.

Hold the bar high. Give your people the support, training, encouragement, mentorship and resources they need to succeed. 

Put your ego aside and focus on their needs. Their success is your success.   It’s not about you; it’s about your people, your team, the people and groups that make your success possible.

Key #3: Find the right balance between personal and professional.

Get to know your people, and set clear and appropriate boundaries, guidelines, and goals.  

If you want your people, your team to be successful, to have great results, they must know exactly what is expected of them; what to do, for whom and by when.  Give them all the details and on-going mentoring, guidance, encouragement and support so that they will succeed. Don’t dictate and disappear.

Lead from a space of calm assurance. Don’t be a drama queen or dump on them. Don’t bring your personal life, your concerns about family, friends, health or finances, into the office; it’s draining and potentially toxic.  Be kind, supportive and professional.

Know that you are always evolving as leader, that the guidance is coming from inside of you as you follow your intuition and adopt a way of communicating and leading that feels natural and comfortable for you.  Leadership style is not a hat that you take on and off.  It's how you act and how you are all the time.

People may still have their opinions about you, calling you bossy or other names. These labels say a lot more about them than you.  You can’t please everyone. It’s a recipe for disaster to base your style on the opinions of others.

Sometimes rocking the boat and making waves means that you are doing a great job.  Being authentic is always better than being anything else.   Being true to yourself and working in service of other is what authentic leadership is all about, and this leads to genuine, lasting success.

“We spend a lot of time helping leaders learn what to do, we don’t spend enough time helping leaders learn what to stop.” Peter Drucker

Sometimes we need to say nothing, be quiet and accept people as they are and the situation we find ourselves in, as it is, choosing to be grateful for our experiences instead of whining and complaining, being kind instead of cruel.  

This conversation is about kindness, how being kind simply because we enjoy it changes everything.  So, let’s look at four habits that hold us back, none of which are kind.

#1 Adding Too Much Value

I remember as a young bride, my husband loved to cook and would often make these amazing casseroles for dinner. I didn’t fully appreciate the magnitude of this gift. I mentioned several times a few things he could add to his creations, items to make a dish ‘better', and he just stopped making dinner. I was an idiot, and certainly not kind.

My guess is that you, too, have learned from the school of  "Yikes! I should have kept my mouth shut!"

It can happen at work.  What if someone comes to you with a great idea; it really shines. Do you say, “That’s a great idea! Thank you!”  Or, do you need to ‘make it better’ - “I love your idea but add this to it.”

When you add value to a great idea, it may be a little bit better, but it won’t be executed with the same passion and enthusiasm; you’ve just hijacked it and shifted the focus from how smart they are to how smart you are.

Praising and supporting a great idea is kind; adding value in this instance, not so much.

#2 Winning Too Much

What about winning or 'I know best!'

What if you and a colleague make plans for lunch. He wants to go to Max’s Steak House and you want Brasserie Ten Ten. You go to the steak house.  The steak is not tasty, and the service is slow. What do you do?  Do you complain and say, “I told you so!”  Do you say nothing, but repeatedly check your cell phone and scowl at your food?  You might as well be wearing a neon sign saying, “You should have listened to me!”

Do you or could you bring yourself to say nothing and simply enjoy your colleague’s company, making the best possible use of your time together?  That’s kind.

You gain nothing by being right. I’ve learned that one that hard way too!

#3 Too Competitive

Are you too competitive?  You’ve had a miserable day at work, but as soon as you walk in the door your husband starts telling you about his stressful, upsetting day.  What do you do?

Do you say, “You've had a hard day, that’s nothing compared to what happened to me.”   Then tell him everything that’s gone wrong for you?  Do you say nothing and just let him vent, give him some TLC and attention, really listen and just be there?

How many times have you shared bad news with a friend only to have them share bad news with you?  I don’t know about you, but when I’ve been slammed with something I just need someone to listen, really listen; not try to fix me; not try to fix the situation; just listen.  That’s kindness in action.

#4 Passing Judgment

We can all be stubborn, opinionated, and judgmental.  Or we can help more and judge less, the kind alternative.  How? By eliminating three words from our vocabulary:  no, but, and however.

Saying ‘No’ at the beginning of sentence means ‘you are wrong’. 

No, there’s too much about this situation to consider.

‘But’ and ‘however’ mean to disregard everything that came before this word. 

I really love your idea, but we’re dealing with a crisis right now. 

I’d love to hear your thoughts on the matter, however I've got to take care of the Barkley matter.

It’s not as easy to stop saying no, but, and however as you may think.  One of my friends had to appoint ‘word police’ to keep her honest - friends, family, and co-workers.  Every time she said no, but, or however, she put $20 in an envelope. Saying no, no, no was an expensive moment!

She donated the money to charity at the end of each week, a nice touch.  And she did improve, fairly rapidly; It was really interesting to watch her progress.

It's so easy for words like no, but and however to become background noise; we really don't really hear ourselves; they don't consciously register.

Wrapping it up

It takes time to replace old habits with new ones. Be kind to yourself and acknowledge your progress along the way.

And here’s one caveat:  there are no hard and fast rules. Use your discernment in the moment. The idea is to get you thinking; it’s up to you to decide what’s kind in any given moment.