“We spend a lot of time helping leaders learn what to do, we don’t spend enough time helping leaders learn what to stop.” Peter Drucker

Sometimes we need to say nothing, be quiet and accept people as they are and the situation we find ourselves in, as it is, choosing to be grateful for our experiences instead of whining and complaining, being kind instead of cruel.  

This conversation is about kindness, how being kind simply because we enjoy it changes everything.  So, let’s look at four habits that hold us back, none of which are kind.

#1 Adding Too Much Value

I remember as a young bride, my husband loved to cook and would often make these amazing casseroles for dinner. I didn’t fully appreciate the magnitude of this gift. I mentioned several times a few things he could add to his creations, items to make a dish ‘better', and he just stopped making dinner. I was an idiot, and certainly not kind.

My guess is that you, too, have learned from the school of  "Yikes! I should have kept my mouth shut!"

It can happen at work.  What if someone comes to you with a great idea; it really shines. Do you say, “That’s a great idea! Thank you!”  Or, do you need to ‘make it better’ - “I love your idea but add this to it.”

When you add value to a great idea, it may be a little bit better, but it won’t be executed with the same passion and enthusiasm; you’ve just hijacked it and shifted the focus from how smart they are to how smart you are.

Praising and supporting a great idea is kind; adding value in this instance, not so much.

#2 Winning Too Much

What about winning or 'I know best!'

What if you and a colleague make plans for lunch. He wants to go to Max’s Steak House and you want Brasserie Ten Ten. You go to the steak house.  The steak is not tasty, and the service is slow. What do you do?  Do you complain and say, “I told you so!”  Do you say nothing, but repeatedly check your cell phone and scowl at your food?  You might as well be wearing a neon sign saying, “You should have listened to me!”

Do you or could you bring yourself to say nothing and simply enjoy your colleague’s company, making the best possible use of your time together?  That’s kind.

You gain nothing by being right. I’ve learned that one that hard way too!

#3 Too Competitive

Are you too competitive?  You’ve had a miserable day at work, but as soon as you walk in the door your husband starts telling you about his stressful, upsetting day.  What do you do?

Do you say, “You've had a hard day, that’s nothing compared to what happened to me.”   Then tell him everything that’s gone wrong for you?  Do you say nothing and just let him vent, give him some TLC and attention, really listen and just be there?

How many times have you shared bad news with a friend only to have them share bad news with you?  I don’t know about you, but when I’ve been slammed with something I just need someone to listen, really listen; not try to fix me; not try to fix the situation; just listen.  That’s kindness in action.

#4 Passing Judgment

We can all be stubborn, opinionated, and judgmental.  Or we can help more and judge less, the kind alternative.  How? By eliminating three words from our vocabulary:  no, but, and however.

Saying ‘No’ at the beginning of sentence means ‘you are wrong’. 

No, there’s too much about this situation to consider.

‘But’ and ‘however’ mean to disregard everything that came before this word. 

I really love your idea, but we’re dealing with a crisis right now. 

I’d love to hear your thoughts on the matter, however I've got to take care of the Barkley matter.

It’s not as easy to stop saying no, but, and however as you may think.  One of my friends had to appoint ‘word police’ to keep her honest - friends, family, and co-workers.  Every time she said no, but, or however, she put $20 in an envelope. Saying no, no, no was an expensive moment!

She donated the money to charity at the end of each week, a nice touch.  And she did improve, fairly rapidly; It was really interesting to watch her progress.

It's so easy for words like no, but and however to become background noise; we really don't really hear ourselves; they don't consciously register.

Wrapping it up

It takes time to replace old habits with new ones. Be kind to yourself and acknowledge your progress along the way.

And here’s one caveat:  there are no hard and fast rules. Use your discernment in the moment. The idea is to get you thinking; it’s up to you to decide what’s kind in any given moment.

Several times a year, I take 3 or 4 planes to arrive in Perth, Australia.

It’s a 40+ hour journey, including layovers and an early arrival at the first airport when traveling international.  People tell me all the time that they ‘couldn’t’ do it and don’t know how I do it. It’s just a state of mind, an attitude, a willingness to be a part of the journey without attachment to when you arrive, as weird as this sounds.

During the trip, time blurs into one continual space. It’s hard to describe. There is no day or night. It’s all just part of the journey, kind of like being in assisted living, having television entertainment and all your meals prepared and handed to you and not remembering what day it is.

There are some tips that help the trip (and life) go more smoothly.

Eat Healthy

Bring snacks that you and your body love, that can sustain you if you don’t like the food provided.

Be Comfortable

Wear loose comfortable clothing and bring a sweater or something to wrap around you; even with the blankets provided, the planes can be cold.

Reboot

Bring a change of clothes; after 15 hours or so, clean clothes are amazing.

Shower 

Know where the showers are in each airport; sometimes you need to buy a day-pass at Delta or United, but the shower is so worth it, and the food and drinks provided plus the quiet atmosphere versus the hustle and bustle of the rest of the airport are lovely.

Be Patient

Practice patience: going through customs can be slow and cumbersome; listen to music, calm your mind, know and see yourself on the other side of bureaucracy.

How you experience travel (and life!) is your choice.  

Airport security

Is it really protecting us or about power and control? It is as it is. So, prepare for it, and accept it as a necessary step to get where you are going.

Feeling tired and out of sorts because of lack of sleep

Is it a terminal disease or minor inconvenience? There’s nothing like a good night’s sleep on the other end to comfort the body and get back on track. Know and see yourself well-rested and relaxed in your ‘new home’ at your destination.

So, here's my takeaway 

Your leadership skills depend on who you bring to the table, your attitude and outlook, your state of Being, all the right tools are useless if you are not in that healthy, self-loving space to apply them.

Let go of opinions and preconceived ideas of how things should be and dance with what’s presented. Go with the flow and bring your best self to all you be and do.

Effective delegating is crucial to your success.  As your business grows or as responsibilities increase, you can’t do everything you have been doing and be successful.  Mundane, repetitive tasks will hold you back. Handling projects that others could do just as effectively or better is a waste of your time and resources.

You probably know this, so what's stopping you from delegating?

Maybe you don't trust your people to do the job as good as you do.  Maybe you're afraid they will just create a mess for you clean up or won't get everything done on time. All valid concerns.  So where to from here?

Here are four simple steps to get you going and delegating like a superhero!

Step 1: Get out of the Way.

Don’t make delegation about you.  Delegating does not mean that you are losing control or that you can’t handle something. Delegating means that you know how to get more done by utilizing the resources you have at hand – your people, division or team.

Step 2: Help Your People Succeed:

Don’t withhold information.  Be direct, clear and precise.  Talk to them.  Give them written instructions that are easy to follow. Tell them what, when and how each step or task much be completed, what milestones must be met and by when, what needs to be on your desk for review and when, what skills are needed, what resources are available to get the job done.

Put yourself in their shoes.  Make sure that you provide what they need to really shine.

Step 3: Stay in Touch.

Don’t disappear after delegating. Check in regularly.  Make sure that your people feel safe to bring any question, problem or concern to you, that there are no ‘stupid questions’.

You are there to catch small problems before they become big ones.  Remember what it was like to be in their shoes; be respectful, engaging and supportive.  Be patient and encouraging, and maintain appropriate boundaries.  It’s not okay to drop the job back in your lap if difficulties arise or obstacles occur.

Step 4: Maintain & Build Trust.

Don’t take a task back once it’s been delegated. That undermines confidence and can make you look power hungry and possessive, a micromanager.

Give your people the chance to do the job.  Just like you, they need to be mentored and groomed for success; it's about you embracing this kind of high-level leadership, and in so doing, success is assured.

Your people's success begets more success. Their success if your success.

Spirit means 'to love'.

As Spirit, as love, we attune ourselves to love and allow ourselves to be more love.

As Spirit, as love, it's not all about me, it's about let us.  It's about considering how our thoughts, feelings, words, and actions affect the whole of life and not just our little universe.

"I have a body, but I am not my body.  I have a mind, but I am not my mind.  I have emotions, but I am not my emotions."

My body is a loan to me, and I am very grateful to have a body that allows me to enjoy what life has to offer: the sun on my face, the wind in my hair, the love of family and friends, the nurturance of delicious food, pure water and so on.

We are so much more than our bodies. It's easy to forget and focus on how looks on the outside when what's important is who we are on the inside.

Affirming that I am Spirit having a human experience helps us to keep us focused upon, aligned and attuned to love.