We all have stories.  Stories about what happened to us in childhood, as teenagers, as young adults and at various turning points in our lives. 

Our stories have a limited purpose.  They can help us to define our why, the reason we get out of bed in the morning and do what we do.  They can show us what we want and don’t want in life, how we want to act and not act, who we want to model ourselves after or not.

Our stories become self-destructive or just a waste of time if we use them to explain how we are or how things are in our life.  “I’m just time challenged. I can never get anywhere on time.”  “I don’t know how to (fill in the blank). It’s just something I'm not good at.”

The only thing that we can control is ourselves – how we feel and act, our attitude and outlook on life, what we make of what we experience in our life and the world around us.

It can be confronting to bring everything back to ourselves. If someone is acting like an idiot and we feel angry or hurt, we need to bring it back to ourselves.

Why? Because we are the one having a reaction. This person is getting to us, and that’s a gift.  How can this possibly be a gift?  It’s showing us a bit that’s broken and that can be used as an ‘in’ to manipulate or control us.  It’s showing us a bit that needs some understanding, compassion, and love.

Why talk about stories and reactions, and what does this have to do with success in business?  These stories and reactions can be patterns we use, consciously or unconsciously, to sabotage our success or to keep us from being only so successful.

What we bring to business that attracts clients and customers to us is who we are and how we make them feel when they are around us.  It's about the presence we hold.

We must be competent at what we do and how we do it. And, there are lots of people that do the same thing as us. In order to stand out in a crowd, we need to love the parts of us that are sabotaging our success. That are getting in the way of us moving forward.

The only way to do that is to bring back every reaction we have to someone or something else back home to ourselves. This can feel sharp and unsettling.  But we can reframe it. Actually, it’s an amazing opportunity to let go of something that’s holding us back and keeping us small or keeping us from realizing that goal, completing that project or landing that new client. That’s hopeful.

When we bring it back to ourselves and acknowledge, “Hey, I’m really angry or hurt”, and then sit with it for a moment, something shifts inside of us.  When we acknowledge our feelings, stop judging the other person and ourselves for having a reaction, for not handling the situation better, for saying something 'stupid' or whatever, we feel different, like a weight has been lifted off of our shoulders. We can just accept this is how it is.  “It’s not about me. This person is lashing out, not because of me, but because of something that's happening inside of them.”

Once we are no longer in judgment, we can bring in gratitude. Gratitude that we have the courage to look at ourselves with new eyes and be real with what’s going on, and not make it about somebody else.  Gratitude that we don't have to take on the dramas of others and make them our own.  Gratitude that we can let go of what's been bothering us and see the situation from a fresh perspective.

Gratitude is a key. Gratitude helps us do a better job and not backdoor ourselves with negative self-talk or making someone else’s bad hair day our fault or our responsibility.

We can do and be our best without becoming mired in our client’s dramas, unreasonable demands or poor behavior. As leaders, it is not kind to ourselves or those under our charge to become doormats or compost bins for our clients.

Gratitude and acceptance can light the way for new kind of business acumen and entrepreneurial spirit that supports the best interests of all concerned.

I attended a networking educational event recently, which is not my favorite activity. 

Why? Most people are so intent on getting business that they feel rushed and anxious, hoping to make the right connection, land the new, fantastic client, experience a major shift in their financial status.

It reminds me of watching old movies or television shows.

On Netflix, I recently watched a few episodes of The Dick Van Dyke Show, considered one of those television classics, a weekly show that ran from 1961 – 1966.

I felt drawn to watch a few episodes and every scene felt endless, so different from the pace of today’s world. I felt myself just wanting to know how everything turned out instead of enjoying the lightness, comedy and drama of it all.

I found myself wondering, back to networking, how we can enjoy more moments of our business that involves connecting with clients and potential clients, finding those experiences more enjoyable, as a process, instead of hoping to get to the punch line (more business) as soon as possible. 

Anxiety is fear and pushes away what we want to accomplish. People can feel our hurriedness and the pressure we are putting on ourselves, and that’s not good for business.

I decided to change my mindset; choose a new attitude; just be genuinely curious, and it worked. More enjoyment of networking events. More relaxed and in the moment. More of a positive magnet to create what I am aligning to in life.

It’s simple. See if this works for you. Simply focus on engaging with one person, wherever you are, and having a meaningful conversation. What are her interests? Hobbies? Recent adventures? Obstacles in her life?

Listen. Ask a few questions. Give them your undivided attention. Be genuinely curious. Get their contact information if that feels appropriate; you can send her something later.

This is such a gift we can give to people, the gift of being heard, the gift of someone not checking their cell phone for messages or texting, the gift of having someone just listening to us.

And it takes the stress away because we stop worrying about results.  Results happen over time, when we follow up, see them again (or not . . . that’s life!)

Like the Dick Van Dyke Show, the laughter and connections build over time.  One step, one breath, one moment at a time, so we can enjoy those ‘boring’ meetings and get-togethers and be more of the genuine superstar marketer, authentic, real and caring, who we already are inside!

There are only two ways to influence human behavior: love and fear.  With love, we inspire people to buy our products or services. With fear, we manipulate them. 

Businesses, political groups etc. easily resort to manipulation. Manipulation techniques work in the short-term. But, they do not breed loyalty and the gains are not long lasting.

With manipulation, our products or services become a commodity. We try to get people to buy by:

offering cash back

slashing the price

adding new features

running promotions

We use strategies like

peer pressure

aspirational advertising

fear-based advertising

When we drop our prices low enough or offer promotions like buy one get one free or two for the price of one, people buy from us. But at what cost?

Slashing prices and running promotions are not good for business. Clients expect a bargain and wait for sales to avoid paying full price. The cash-back or rebate business can be deceptive. Some sellers have so many conditions attached to their rebates that a lot of buyers pay full price. They either fail to follow complex rebate instructions or encounter a loophole that precludes them from participating.

Novelty items like a new flavor of toothpaste or a new feature on an existing product can also drive sales.  Again, this is temporary. It doesn't last.

Peer pressure advertisements include:

celebrity endorsements

professional endorsements: 4 out of 5 dentists prefer Trident; a double-blind study at a top university concluded that . . .

don't-miss-out advertisements: with over a million satisfied customers and counting . . . 75% of your competitors are using our service, why aren’t you?

Fear-based messages motivate us to move away from something.

L’Oreal’s tag line of “Because I’m Worth It” targets self-loathing in women.

FedEx’s “Absolutely, Positively Overnight” addresses our fear of missing a deadline.

Nike’s “Just Do It” capitalizes on our fear of missing out.

Aspirational messages tempt us with something we want and are afraid we can’t get.

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Manipulation creates massive stress for buyers and sellers alike. When there are conflicting advertisements and many brands to choose from, buyers can’t tell which one is best for them and feel stressed.  The competition to continually produce new and improved brands is hard work. The long-term effects of making short-term decisions are lower profit margins and higher stress levels in business.

Stress is the silent killer.  With stress, cortisol is released into our system which increases blood pressure, decreases cognitive ability, increases aggression and selfish behavior and makes us more vulnerable to disease. 

Employees filled with cortisol are less productive, innovative and reliable.  Consumers in cortisol fight-or-flight mode want to feel better.  Being manipulated to buy your company's product or service may give them temporary relief, but that doesn't equate to long-term loyalty or commitment to your what you offer.

Using manipulation as a means to an end is negatively affecting our health and wellbeing on many levels.  It is the anthesis to success.  How can we influence human behavior with love?  Love is the answer.

I support people to do what they love and be their best so that they make a real difference in the world. That’s who I am when I am at my best. That’s my why.

Everyone has a why.  When we articulate our purpose and take steps every day to live and be that purpose, our lives change dramatically.  No longer is our job, profession or business just something we do.  There is a fire or passion within us because we know why we get out of bed in the morning and how we can be of service to others.

When we are in service to self only, we may experience moments of happiness.  Happiness is a dopamine hit. It’s the feeling we get when we buy a new home or car, have dinner with a good friend or hug someone we love. Happiness is real and yet it is fleeting.

Fulfillment, feeling content and on purpose is different. 

Feeling fulfilled is an oxytocin hit. It’s the high we feel when we help others, when we make a difference in someone else’s life, often in what appears to be small ways.  It can be as simple as sharing a smile or as daring as rescuing children from a burning home. 

Fulfillment runs deep and is long lasting. It is a deep, heartfelt experience that does not leave us.

As a child and in my youth, I lived a very safe, sheltered middle-class life. When I was 17, we experienced a  calamity, a storm that stretched from Alabama to Canada, spawning 148 tornadoes nationwide, 27 of them in my home state of Kentucky.

And within that disaster, I felt and experienced fulfillment for the first time in my life, that I could make a difference in the world. I could give and receive selflessly, having no agenda other that to help and be of service, and that changed me.

The experience opened the doors of my heart to a new way of being. This may sound dramatic and huge, even though the actual story may not seem like much to you. What happens on the outside is not always indicative of what it feels like on the inside. We give meaning to all kinds of things in our lives, and those meanings can support and uplift us or drag us down and keep us small.

It was a strange day. First there were beautiful blue skies, then rolling clouds of darkness, then sirens blaring warning of an emergency, then a quiet eerie silence.

It was a hot summer’s day, and I can remember standing next to my mother and looking outside through sliding glass doors that lead to our back yard. We were oblivious to the danger of standing inches from the glass, peering inquisitively towards the sky.

My home was spared, but a few blocks away neighborhoods were damaged and destroyed. Roofs were blown off houses. Fronts and sides of building were gone. Debris was everywhere. The destruction was shocking, unfathomable.

I remember going for a walk into the neighborhood next to ours, knocking on the door of a home that had lost its roof, and asking the middle-aged woman who opened the door if she needed some help.

She did. We spent the day packing dishes and her valuables into boxes. 

This small experience was profound for me. For the first time, I felt like I had done something that really mattered. I felt the joy of giving. My heart was open and full. A seemingly small experience of selfless service opened me up in a profound way to acceptance, unconditional love and belonging.

I know I'm not alone.  We've all had these moments.  We've all felt the joy of giving back. We've all felt the gratitude of receiving a helping hand when we needed one.

Knowing our why is about selfless service, and that opens us up to the abundance of the Universe and, if we allow it, fills our cup with love. 

We feel successful when we know and live our why because it no longer 'all about me'. It’s about 'Let Us': Let us create a life, communities, a world where we are there for each other, where we have each others' back, where everyone contributes what they can, when we know that we’re never ever alone.

Imagine living in a world where everyone was their own purpose expert, where everyone was living their own unique why, where everyone felt and knew that together is better.

Imagine the contentment and joy of knowing and living our why in this world!

Every time we tap into our why, every time we live from this space in our hearts, every time we give for the joy of giving, we fill ourselves up with contentment and joy. 

Every time we love the kids inside of us that have been yearning for our love, wrapping our loving arms around them, we support ourselves in living our why, we nurture ourselves so that we have the ability to give back from a full and overflowing heart.

And even though the world that we live in often focuses on fear, lack and limitation, focuses on what separates us, our differences, we can choose to focus on what unites us, our similarities.

We can choose to focus on what makes our hearts sing, what brings joy and contentment into our lives and how we can best model that for others. 

As we embrace our why and share our passion for being on purpose, we plant the seeds that others might  discover their purpose no matter where they're living on the planet.

The energy of our excitement is there for the taking, just like when many people around the world discover something new about the same time.  It's somehow there for ones open to it to come to a new knowing, to have an 'ah ha' moment and be open to more abundance and love.

We can make a difference by how we bring ourselves to the world.  We never know how our heartfelt purpose ripples out and touches the lives of others.

That's hopeful and encouraging.

That sheds new light on how we bring ourselves to the world, what we choose to focus on, and the excitement and passion we bring to life.