Communication is key to our success. It's not only what we say, it's how we say it, the feeling behind our body language and words.

You know what it feels like when the person you are talking to is angry, frustrated and unwilling to listen, unwilling to consider your point of view, your input.

Whether we respond or react when talking with difficult or upset people, that's the key to whether open communication is possible. When we respond, you don't buy into their projections or what they are saying; we don't take it personally. This is not always easy. But the truth is that their reaction to us or their projection of their negative feelings at you says everything about them and little, if anything, about us.

It's important to protect ourselves. it's just common sense to shield ourselves from the unkindness or even venom of others. The key is holding an open, non-judgmental space with clear and appropriate boundaries, a space that is open and inviting to share and exchange ideas, while not allowing the negativity and projections affect us.  We send it back to its original source.

Sometimes we just need to walk away.  Some people are so closed, so about getting their point over the goal line, so toxic, that to be in our personal integrity, we must leave. 

And, if we don't judge someone who is difficult or having a bad hair day.  If we simply listen and allow them to vent.  If we just want to know what they are feeling and thinking and why, the whole situation can diffuse; new doors can open and new possibilities; new solutions that you never dreamed were possible of a little while ago are on the table and being discussed. Most people simply need to be acknowledged and heard in order to work things out. Active listening, being fully present with someone, giving them our full attention, asking questions with a genuine curiosity to clarify or learn more is a very rare commodity; if we can do that, we are one in a million.  

Most people are distracted or inattentive when we are trying to communicate with them.  Or they are interrupting us and sharing something about them, to bring the conversation back to them, or to 'prove' that they are right about something and you're 'wrong'. 

So, it's important to watch our attitude.  If we believe that we are right and they are wrong, communication is not possible because we are in lockdown. 

Negotiation, working out agreements or compromises, is one aspect of communication. It can be really fun when we actively listen without judgment; being a good negotiator is also about knowing our bottom line, being really clear on what we'd like to see and how far we are willing to go.  And it's about being open to new ways of getting to our destination.

Negotiating is like a dance; we don't have to agree with someone or follow their lead to actively listen. We simply need to drop all expectations about who they are and what they are going to say, greeting them as if for the very first time.

So, we're building rapport, feeling more affinity with those we work and socialize with, those we live with and love.

No one is an island. We need people we can relate to and people you can count on.  It's not rocket science.  It's how we are built.

So, practice listening, drop the judgment, hold an open inviting space with clear, strong boundaries and let's see how we go, noticing what changes for us.